Redirecting The Spotlight, Once More

*revisiting an old piece from 2018

Unbounded love flows throughout my heart. Relentless in vibrancy and undeterred by harmful extrinsic exposure, it remains ever-present and grows stronger each day. This love has long been the spotlight for the ensemble cast of my love life, basking my partners in the luminous warmth of my focus. This light took its cues from the presence or absence of that person on my life's stage, following their every move and often lowering to a dimmer setting when they left. So focused on that one person, my love light could not reflect upon me, illuminating my soul or worth.

And how could it? With all the light flooding in mega beams toward someone else, there was no energy for my needs. Pouring it all out, I glossed and polished another's soul while depleting and cheating my soul. My obsessively analytical brain knew the score, but my heart could not stop or even slow its love compulsion. Show after show would shut down, the lights would go out, and the empty stage would lie in wait for the next production of my love story. 

Then, I became the Mother of two girls who instantly became the most significant and brightest act in my ongoing love story. It was easy and joyful to love, focus, and nurture their growth. Mom-life beautifully camouflaged my pattern of chasing others with my spotlight.

One evening, when my oldest daughter was a few weeks away from her ninth birthday, we were having our nightly conversation, wrapping up the day's collection of happiness, hurdles, and hurts. She was sorting through some social struggles and seeking guidance. 

My words to her described the value of being true to her individuality, shining her unique light and not, under any circumstances, to dim her light for anyone.

As the words left my mouth, I saw the image of my shadow on her stage doing the exact opposite.

I was not living true to my "words of wisdom."

The shadow I cast was not of a woman shining her light with the rheostat on its highest setting. Instead, my shadow reflected an uncertain soul, standing in the shadow of her light, quietly gagging on the reflux of her deepest fears. 

In that moment of disconnect between parental advice, aspirations, and my life, I experienced an awakening—a rather rude one. My own words had sucker punched my facade, knocking loose all my carefully placed, tightly wound layers of insulation.

Before that moment, I'd always imagined my daughters' future lives and loves as healthy and wholehearted. I visualized their loving self-acceptance and self-awareness coming from within.

With this, they would intrinsically magnetize and surround themselves with individuals who would treat them with unfiltered acceptance and unbounded respect, loving them as they are - their true selves. I envisioned life paths for them that allowed them to thrive.

Later that night, my restless soul, now having my full attention, began speaking its litany of truths. As my family slept, I paced the halls and rooms looking for a way out of the trap I'd set, slipped on, and settled myself into. The image of my daughters dwelling in my shoes - even for a nanosecond - was bigger than any fear I've ever known. 

Haunted by this, I began to exfoliate my many layers of insulation. Each layer yielded clues and cues of the woman buried within. Every reveal would fuel my desire to see beyond the next layer. My mega spotlight began to illuminate the spaces that needed the deepest excavation.

So many thought patterns and life strategies held no value; they were habitual and inauthentically perfunctory at best. Leaving that familiarity of well-worn paths was both frightening and exhilarating at the same time. The deeper I went, the more my soul expanded. I developed an insatiable desire to feel my inner light and bask in its warmth. Bold in its expansive glow, my light found its way to me, where it has remained ever-present. Shining beyond the limits of my past and stepping out from the darkness, my love continues to grow. It is immeasurably shifting in its strength and direction. 

It turns out, I needed to turn my world upside down to flip my soul right side out. Sometimes my pace stalls and drifts into old patterns, sometimes my pace flies at breakneck speed towards my wholehearted, authentic self. With the ability to redirect my spotlight, I am a soul at peace, a woman in love, and a mother modeling what I want my daughters to embrace and expand beyond.

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